I Started to Feel Like I Didn’t Belong…February 05, 2016
When I was young, I was curious about the world and I wanted to “help hearts”. I didn’t’ know how and I didn’t really know what that meant, but I would be so moved by the idea that someone on the other side of the world was living a life and I wanted to “know” them and I wanted them to “know” me…I wanted to connect and I wanted to share. It kept me up at night…and so it kept my mom up at night. “How do they know we are here?” What is our life for?” “People can’t just be born and then die, without anything else. Right mom?” I remember feeling so lonely in my world. I couldn’t find someone who understood what I was trying to say. I started to feel like I didn’t belong.
Then I started learning about school and how the teachers “like” you if you do well. I learned how to learn very well. I don’t know what my young mind was thinking at the time, I just know that I was focused on “doing life” well. It became all about the grades. That, combined with a teacher telling me I wasn’t creative or artistic pretty much shifted my world to one of tangible results, like grades and benchmark accomplishments. My passion for the world became partially buried as I learned how to “fit in” and “do well.”
When I was about 12 years old, I remember I wanted to live in another country, speak another language and learn how another culture lives. My parents didn’t have a lot of extra money and family trips involved a station wagon, camping gear, a camp stove, a cooler and a lot of miles. Friends thought I was silly and my parents couldn’t see a way to make it happen. Yet… I could see it already happening. I stopped telling people who seemed not to understand and I focused on making it happen.
At first I thought my dream had come true when out of the blue a family in Mexico contacted my Spanish teacher looking for an exchange with a family with a young daughter. I set everything up (with the help of my beloved teacher) and begged my parents to let me go. In this era before cell phones and computers, we set up a flight by talking with the family in Mexico. They were to pick me in Mexico City. I would be alone. The night before I was to leave, we called to confirm and they said they could no longer do it. My dream was crushed, momentarily...
For Christmas a couple of years later, my dad gave me a huge book of colleges in the US (I love you, Dad!). I was determined to find a college that would allow me to live in another country, study in another language and have this not cost my parents anything extra besides the plane trip (which I would ask for as a birthday/Christmas present).
I applied to one college, UCLA, because it offered a yearlong education abroad program requiring full matriculation into a French university. It was a magical day when I hugged my family goodbye and got on an airplane to Europe for the first time in my life, alone. I had seen it happen years before, in my imagination. It was only a matter of putting the most powerful plan in place to have the tangible reality in front of me.
I was so passionate about my dream of living and studying in another world that events aligned around bringing this reality into my life. I wish I could say these dreams always worked out that way: Focus on my dream, figure out a plan and execute it… then live it. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always happen that way.
My dream of being married and creating a loving beautiful family didn’t go as expected. I guess I didn’t spend enough time going over the plan (or I just ignored the red flags that pointed in a different direction) My husband, at the time, had a different vision (or plan), one that was more rigid, less loving, less fun and less peaceful than mine. On the outside it all “looked good”, inside we were all dying day by day…After 20 years, it was clear we had different dreams of what marriage and family looked like. The pain of this realization hits hard and deep. It took years for me to accept it and to learn the lessons I needed to create the love I always dreamed of (more on that in our free Love Advance Webinar…)
Given my education, my training, my client results and my own personal experience I know that life doesn’t always go according to plan and I also know that disregarding the values and passions that are so important to you is never the answer. The answer is in clearly acknowledging what is NOT in your control and letting that go, while simultaneously clarifying what IS in your control and finding the plan that allows you to live your dreams, your passions, your values as beautifully as possible!
This is my dream, to help you heal your heart and live your life fully.
If this writing inspires you or makes you curious, please signup for our free Love Advance webinar to learn more about opening your heart!